Someone heard my plea.

Heathcliff.

They considered Michael Fassbender. I heard someone say that Dom Cooper could be Heathcliff. (I say only if they set it on a tropical beach.) Johnny Depp's too old, Clive Owen's a tool, and Joseph Gordon Levitt's a little too skinny.

And I think we all know how I feel about James Franco. I love him dearly, but if that boy wears eyeliner one more time, I might explode with frustration. He's soo much more fun when he's secret-hot as opposed to broody. I like him so much more when he makes me laugh. Don't you?

So who is cast as Heathcliff in the 2010 update? Who is making my spine shiver with excitment?



It ain't Ben Barnes or James McAvoy or Hugh Dancy.




Ed. Westwick, that is. Before you jump to the conclusions I know you're rearing to jump to, give him a chance. I know he's Teen Beat pretty and a CW star, but how unfair is that without ever having seen Gossip Girl you're racing to say it's not worth the watching? It's compelling and smart, clever, witty, exceptionally well-acted, entertaining, and yes, over the top. But what teen dramas aren't over the top? 10 Things I Hate About You was over the top. And that was a comedy. I've never met a person who has watched the show and not understood why it's got the devoted following it has. Matthew Gilbert, the Boston Globe's television critic, thinks it's fantastic.

It's similar to how no one ever gives Greek a fair shake, or Kyle XY, just because they're on ABC Family. They are quality shows, vastly underrated by TV snobs.

Gossip Girl might not be full of realistic scenarios, but it is full of realistic reactions to those surreal scenarios. So before you decide he was only cast to draw in the teenyboppers, most of whom are fans of Chace Crawford anyway, duuuuude, can you at least watch a couple episodes of Gossip Girl. He's a legit actor and that's a legit show.




Can't you just hear him?

"You love me? Then what right had you to leave me?!"

Where I woke, sobbing for joy

So there has been a lot of talk lately, about remaking the Heights. You know the ones -- they wuther? Anyway, I know you're thinking the same thing I'm thinking. "Why fix what isn't broken?" An I say to you, sometimes, we just need a new Heathcliff to drool over. So please don't rob me of that.

Considering all that has happened in the past week or so, I need some well-mannered frivolity, which is to say some good, old-fashioned panting over fictional characters. So I've decided that I will cast the twenty-ten refurbished Wuthering Heights. No one loves it more than me, after all. And you have to understand that I don't think anyone could be a better Heathcliff than my boy, Ralph. And I was surprised by how obvious the choice was, once I stumbled upon it. As for Cathy, I don't think I've found anyone yet who is quite what I'm looking for. And as for director, well, that one is a toss-up.

Director: Either Tim Burton or James Ivory.

Truthfully, I'm really leaning more towards Ivory, but he's old. Ang Lee was my knee-jerk reaction because he's got both the sensitivity and the eye to make the film stunning -- and we all know how well he handles epically doomed love affairs, don't we? And it just didn't feel right. The pieces didn't slide together quite the way I wanted them to. Then it hit me: sweeping, epic, doomed love story. Integral commentary on the British class system. The Remains of the Day!! Which means James Ivory. He would get the tragic element of the story just right, and same for the moodiness of the scenery.

Tim Burton is a much less obvious choice, and if he would promise to make it less cartoonish, I might consider him a more formidable contender. Also, two of the smaller roles will be filled by some of his favorites, but we'll get there. He'd nail the gothic palette and dark undertones, so I am really wishing I could marry Burton and Ivory so that we could get the perfect blend of gothic drama and romantic yearning.




Now


Nelly: Helena Bonham Carter

Slightly sassy and matronly without ever having been married. You know, I think she needs to go back to her period pieces and accept the character actor she is destined to be. Also, she's a more surprising choice than most and would do something fun with the role.


The neighbor (narrator): Johnny Depp

Johnny loves the story, but he's too old to play the wild gypsy lover. He would take this role and run with it -- could probably film it in three days and he would make it creepy, add an extra layer to it. If you're into that sort of thing. (I did consider Paul Bettany, but he'd play it straight with none of the goth humor that Johnny could bring forth from the role. And the character is almos a farce, so...)


Isabella Linton: Kristen Stewart

Boring, bland, and annoying. Nearly pretty and willing to be submissive to a dominant man. Kristen just needs to be herself, as she was in Twilight. Think I'm being harsh? Maybe I am, but tell me who I was describing that first bit -- you can't tell the difference between Isabella and Kristen, can you?



Ok, having cast the three most boring roles (and not necessarily with boring actors!) I'm going to call it a night. Stay tuned to see my (DELIGHTFUL) choices for the rest of the characters. :)

Heathcliff is such a coupe.