Die for something useful and you don't die in vain.

Don't misunderstand. It's a terrible tragedy. But maybe something good will come out of this, after all. I don't have much time or inclination to get into it right now, but I will write over the weekend and explain exactly what I hope this terrible event brings about.

Man of the Hour

In praise of vulnerability.

Allow me to elaborate on my feelings about the issue of Leonardo Dicaprio. Because I think there might be one person on this planet, maybe in some remote jungle in South America, who was raised by a bear named Ragu, who doesn't know. Although I think you all misunderstand my meaning and my reasoning when I say that I love beyond love one Leonardo Wilhelm Dicaprio.

In honor of our sixteenth anniversary, I thought I would write about the longest and most rewarding relationship I have had with a man.

I was six. It happened at the Cameo. I don't know why and I won't pretend to know how it happened, but it did. Later, Mom would acknowledge that of the thousands of movies I have seen in my life, it's pretty clear that there is one that reached me beyond all others.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

(Match in the gas tank, boom-boom.)

Maybe six was too young for that movie. But I've never let being too young stop me from going after anything I wanted. Doesn't mean I'll always get it, but I'm always going to go for it. Anyway, it was a rather epic introduction to Leonardo Dicaprio.

Then on December 26th, 1997, Mom took the four of us to see Titanic. And folks, my fate was sealed. It wasn't so much the blonde hair or the way he squints into the sun in that one particular shot, right before Rose comes to him and makes her choice. It was the way he looked at Rose, the way he loved her. The moment when he accosts her in the gym, when he's so completely vulnerable and exposed -- it's breathtaking. He puts himself entirely at her mercy.

And I never looked back. (Except one, but that was because there were rumors that he had been with Lindsay Lohan and let's face it.... She's RANK.)



And then there's always this




And here is where Leo and other men are different: he understands the difference between weakness/sensitivity and vulnerability. People aren't just vulnerable; they make themselves vulnerable. I don't want to deal with boys who think the way to win a woman is to be sensitive and feminize themselves. Crying over homeless puppy commercials is not a good thing. But if you can walk that fine line between being weak and being vulnerable... You're Leo.

Movies where he really excels at this? Marvin's Room. Titanic, yes, I said it. Catch Me If You Can. Gangs of New York. The Departed. Blood Diamond. Shutter Island. In each other these movies, he plays a character with a wellspring of emotions just under the surface. Who he chooses to reveal them and how he chooses to reveal them -- or not reveal them in most cases -- is incredibly telling. And rather than coming off as whiny, over-sensitive, feminine, or weak like most boys I've met in my life, for him, revealing his emotions is counter-intuitive and thus an act of strength. And I think that there in lies the difference between being "sensitive" and thus "annoying" or being vulnerable and sexy.

Watch this clip from The Departed. It's not in English, but I've seen it enough, and his body language says more than words ever could.



What makes this such a compelling love scene is not the fact that his body is gorgeous and his shamrock tattoo is hot, or even that it's forbidden. It's two lines of dialogue.

Vera: Your vulnerability is kind of freaking me out right now. Is it real?
Leo: I think so.

It's the way he hesitates, then leans on the door frame. It's the way he bites his lip and speaking seems like an obstacle to what he wants to say. It's the fact that he is so genuinely infatuated -- in love? -- with her that he is giving her something he doesn't just hand out like candy. Where Matt Damon comes off as smarmy and insincere throughout the film, and that's the point, Leo takes up the role of being the heart-breakingly vulnerable character. Surprisingly delicate, but only to a certain touch. As he says, his hand is steady. His voice doesn't crack. He doesn't need Vera Farmiga's character; he wants her. And not getting her isn't going to send him into the arms of someone else; he doesn't just run around flirting with every girl he sees. When he expresses interest, it's because he's interested. And not just because you're female.

You think I'm reading too much into it, I know you do. You're shaking your head saying, "No way. You're just seeing what you want to see. Maybe I am. Maybe I imagined the way he looked at the nurse who was setting his arm at the hospital. Maybe I read too much into the juxtaposition of Matt's approach to women and Leos in the film. But watch it again, paying close attention to the early scenes. Watch how they each deal with Vera. How phony Matt seems, how standard and boorish he is compared to Leo.

Now think about Scorsese and think about Dicaprio and think about the fact that neither of those men ever make an unintentional move with film.

Why is this all coming up now? Easy question. Shutter Island. Listen, I know it's February and I generally have a rule about saying so-and-so is going to win an Oscar before last year's ceremony has even happened. But I have the same feeling I did in 2004 when the Yankees crush the Sox in the second game of the ALCS. "What's everyone so worked up about? We're going to win the World Series."

I know a lot could happen between now and then, and I know a lot of people are still prejudiced against Leo. It's the only way to explain why he was nominated for Blood Diamond instead of The Departed. People want him to not win. They hate him because he's beautiful and he's talented in ways most actors (ahem, BradTomBruceJude) only dream about.

But look at the movie poster. He's looking rather wary and quizzical, is he not? Now look again. There's pain there. Deep and abiding pain. (In the slant of his eyelids, not that I'm crazy; I'm just detail-oriented when it comes to pictures. And it's not in his eyebrows, I swear. But it's in that general area.) So let me just say this about Shutter Island without giving anything away. It was the most heart-breaking performance I have ever seen from Leo. And if you don't believe that says something when it comes from me, well... What are you? New? I've never cried watching Titanic. Arnie gets left in a bathtub for hours and nearly freezes. The Departed? Marvin's Room? (Which, by the way, is still the Leo that I see when I go into Leo-geek mode.)

I've seen every Leonardo Dicaprio movie released in the United States. I've seen every episode of Growing Pains he was on. Hell, I've seen every episode of Growing Pains. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that not one of his performances has hit me quite as viscerally and as squarely in the gut as his performance in Shutter Island.

And I know that those movies are full of characters, and he plays characters, not Leonardo Dicaprio. I'm cool with that. I haven't been saving myself for Leo, folks; maybe be Jack Dawson, maybe, but not Leo. I'm just saying that if boys want to know how to be men, they should maybe watch some of his movies, take notes, and then practice.

I would like also to add that similar to how my love for Jackson Browne is born of a love for his work, so too is my love for Leo. It always has been. While my peers were busy spelling his name as fast as they could to prove their undying love for him, I was diving into his film catalog. I remember every time I saw every Leonardo Dicaprio movie for the first time. I once had a dream that he died. It was infinitely worse waking up from that than it was realizing there was no waking up from the Heath Ledger nightmare reality.

Now I'd like to leave you with some Leo quotes from the new issue of Esquire.

On East of Eden:

I remember seeing the hunger in Dean's eye and the angst and confusion that he put onscreen. He became the poster boy for cool, but he was at his most vulnerable and exposed. I watched it five times in a row.

(Exactly what I mean. More than James Franco, who I love for inexplicable reasons, LEO is James Dean. If only he looked more like Jeff Buckley, he could play him so well.)

on honesty:

"I don't think I'm capable of honesty to the extent of my grandmother. But people tell me I have that quality. If it's true, it must come out in different ways.

Oscar Run Updates

1. Avatar
2. The Blind Side
3. District 9
4. An Education
5. The Hurt Locker
6. Inglorious Basterds
7. Precious
8. A Serious Man
9. Up In The Air
10. Up
11. The Last Station
12. Julie and Julia
13. A Single Man
14. Invictus
15. Nine
16. Crazy Heart
17. The Messenger
18. The Lovely Bones
19. In The Loop
20. Coraline
21. Fantastic Mr Fox
22. The Princess and the Frog
23. The Secret of Kells
24. Ajami
25. The Milk of Sorrow
26. Un Prophete
27. El Secreto De Sus Ojos
28. The White Ribbon
29. Burma VJ
30. The Cove
31. Food, Inc
32. The Most Dangerous Man In America
33. Which Way Home
34. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
35. Sherlock Holmes
36. Young Victoria
37. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
38. Bright Star
39. Coco Avant Chanel
40. Il Divo
41. Star Trek
42. Paris 36
43. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
44. "China's Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province"
45. "The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner"
46. "The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant"
47. "Music By Prudence"
48. "Rabbit A La Berlin"
49. "French Roast"
50. "Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty"
51. "The Lady and the Reaper"
52. "Logorama"
53. "A Matter of Loaf and Death"
54. "The Door"
55. "Instead of Abracadabra"
56. "Kari"
57. "Miracle Fish"
58. "The New Tenants"

the films I had seen as of the last update:

1. Avatar
2. Precious
3. Up In The Air
4. A Single Man
5. Nine
6. Crazy Heart
7. The Lovely Bones
8. Coraline
9. Sherlock Holmes
10. Young Victoria
11. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (uh, duh)
12. The Blind Side
13. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
    
14. The Hurt Locker
15. Inglorious Basterds
16. Julie and Julia
17. Fantastic Mr. Fox
18. Star Trek

The films I have since seen

1. District Nine
2. An Education
3. Up
4. In the Loop
5. The Princess and the Frog
6. The Cove
7. Food, Inc

Shorts:

1. Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty
2. The Lady and the Reaper
3. A Matter of Loaf and Death

Feature films left to view:

1. A Serious Man
2. The Last Station
3. Invictus
4. The Messenger
5. The Secret of Kells
6. Ajami
7. The Milk of Sorrow
8. Un Prophete
9. El Secreto De Sus Ojos
10. The White Ribbon
11. Burma VJ
12. The Most Dangerous Man In America
13. Which Way Home
14. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
15. Bright Star
16. Coco Avant Chanel
17. Paris 36
18. Il Divo

Short films left to view:

1. "China's Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province"
2. "The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner"
3. "The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant"
4. "Music By Prudence"
5. "Rabbit A La Berlin"
6. "French Roast"
7. "Logorama"
8. "The Door"
9. "Instead of Abracadabra"
10. "Kari"
11. "Miracle Fish"
12. "The New Tenants"

Shadow City part 1

As I approach that critical point called "Entering the REAL WORLD," I have been forced by every single person around me to do some thinking. I'm not sure what I've come up with yet.

Except, I know what I don't want. I don't want my life to become a constant repetition of high school awards night. I didn't like that bullshit in high school; I haven't grown any fonder of self-congratulatory, utterly superfluous bullshit as I've gotten older. There used to be epic screaming matches in my house over it all. I only collected the plaques and certificates of my "superior achievements" because my parents like to have them. I'd rather the paper be used for something useful.

Here's what I'm certain of: I love to teach. I have a real talent for caring about "difficult elements" of society, maybe because that's how so many people see me. I'm incredibly good at connecting with those kids that people have incredibly low expectations for and making them believe that it's worth exceeding those expectations for their own sakes. I love it. It's emotionally rewarding and spiritually fulfilling. That's just truth. My truth. My own truth, and if that was all I was ever good at, that would be more than enough for me.

Because here's another thing I'm quite certain of: I don't want to be a part of "Publishing." High school awards night for the rest of my life? No thanks. I don't want to sit there wondering what part of me they're going to think is worth rewarding, who was better in history, who nailed mathematics, who excelled in chemistry, and who I trumped in English. Frankly, I don't care if people think I'm smart or talented or even know my name. That's not why I'm here and it's never been why I write. (If I feel like it, maybe I'll get into that another time.) I don't need the politics, the self-aggrandizement, back-slapping, the pretense, the parties, the publicity -- I don't want it. You can keep it. Maybe I'm over-thinking it, but the more I consider what is involved in the writing industry, the more absurd it seems, the less pure, the less noble, the less honest it becomes every second that I think about what a future as a writer looks like.

That's just not who I am. When I say there were epic fights over whether or not I went to awards night, I don't mean just screaming matches. Oh, I was vicious in my refusal to acknowledge them as legitimate. Because they're NOT legitimate. If you're doing it for those reasons, to be better than someone else or to be recognized for it, then you're not doing it for the right reasons. And that goes for everything in this world. If you're not doing it for your own fulfillment or the betterment of this world, then what the hell are you doing? That is emptiness, needing the recognition, needing the high-powered jobs, the high-profile book deals, the plugged-in and impressive connections. Who I know and who I've worked with? What the hell does that matter if the work doesn't matter? name-dropping and award-shopping won't make you a writer. It just makes your work less legitimate.

Listen: if I am going to become a writer, I'm damn well going to do it on my own terms. Everyone and their mothers get book deals these days. If the "Stuff White People Like" boys can get a book deal, if lauren Conrad and Paris Hilton and Madonna and every other celebrity on this planet can get book deals, there's no pride in that. There's no value in a book deal, no worth in pursuing it for the glory. And I mean that literally: the only worth that can be found in a book deal is found in the cash advance.

Van Gogh didn't get shit while he was alive. He sold one painting while alive. So what? Monet got all the glory and let's be honest, he's painfully dull and commercialized. I would rather have Van Gogh's career than Monet's. I'd rather be proud of the passion I put into my work than the accolades it acquires. I'd rather pursue my artistic truth than someone else's standards of good or bad.

The work has to speak for itself. The editor doesn't matter; the author doesn't matter. You know it in your heart, if you look honestly at your heart. The work is more important than the recognition. After all, I am a miracle not because I am a success but merely because I exist, correct? And I am a miracle and success because I exist, because I simply am. Not because I meet some arbitrary standards our society has laid out for what a successful person looks like.

Here's the thing. I'd rather have my convictions than my friends. I can always make more friends; hell, I can always write more friends. And if I've ever been a part of this world at all, it's only ever been in service of something greater than myself. The children I have tried to help, the stories I have tried to find. If I could lock myself away in a shed in the woods, I would. All the publishing industry does is serve people; it barely serves the work. Publishing houses, everything that goes along with writing books, the tv appearances and the public readings, those aren't for the good of the work; those are for the benefit of the writer. Those don't enrich your writing; they enrich your bank account.

I don't give a shit what my bank account looks like so long as it's not in the red and I could keep it in the black working as a waitress. If I was empty enough to think that a bulging wallet could save my soul, that having stuff could fix what was wrong in my heart, or to think that dressing well made me any kind of worth knowing, hell, I'd pack it in and go into finances. (Yes, I do hate Wall Street. No, I won't apologize. Because what good has Wall Street ever done for someone who wasn't already in a position of power? What good has Wall Street ever done for anyone? And if you're not doing good, then what the fuck are you doing with your life? Wasting it on imaginary money and constructed values. That's not really an issue I consider up for debate, but if you don't like it, aw, poor you. Change your life. Save yourself.)

So don't tell me that it's good for me to get awards and praise; what's good for me is to work. To continue to work and to continue to grow. Not to hear that I am wonderful, but to hear that I can become even better than I already am.

That being said, here's an out-of-context passage from one of my Div III stories. This particular passage might be the very best thing I've ever fucking written.

“He’s away,” she said and did not look at him. “He is in the war.”

Some part of Billy’s chest caved in and broke away, drifting through his veins so that he felt through his entire body the brutality of his circumstances, slowly but like a spreading warmth. A hand lifted itself toward his chest as if to feel for blood or an open wound but there was nothing to touch, nothing to bandage. Whatever it was that was bleeding was inside of him and could not be seen.

“The war,” he choked when he could manage it, “is over.”

The best thing about making a list

Is crossing things off of it. (That is, assuming it is a "to-do" or "to-see" or "to-read" or "to-hear" or "to-write".... I think you get it, right? If it's a list of things that ought to be crossed off, a wish-list, or a checklist, the best part is...

Crossing things off of it.

So here's a list of the movies nominated for Oscars this year:

1. Avatar (Best Picture, Directing, Cinematography, Art direction, Film editing, Original score, sound editing, sound mixing, visual effects)
2. The Blind Side (Best picture, actress in a lead role)
3. District 9 (Best picture, film editing, visual effects, adapted screenplay)
4. An Education (Best picture, actress in a lead role, adapted screenplay)
5. The Hurt Locker (Best picture, actor in a lead role, cinematography, directing, film editing, original score, sound editing, sound mixing, original screenplay)
6. Inglorious Basterds (Best picture, actor in a supporting role, Cinematography, directing, film editing, sound editing, sound mixing, original screenplay)
7. Precious (Best picture, actress in a lead role, actress in a supporting role, directing, film editing, adapted screenplay)
8. A Serious Man (Best picture, original screenplay)
9. Up In The Air (Best picture, actor in a lead role, actress in a supporting role - twice, directing, adapted screenplay)
10. Up (Best picture, animated feature film, original score, sound editing, original score)
11. The Last Station (Actor in a supporting role, actress in a lead role)
12. Julie and Julia (Actress in a lead role)
13. A Single Man (Actor in a lead role)
14. Invictus (Actor in a lead role, actor in a supporting role)
15. Nine (Actress in a supporting role, art direction, costume design, original song)
16. Crazy Heart (Actor in a lead role, actress in a supporting role, original song)
17. The Messenger (Actor in a supporting role, original screenplay)
18. The Lovely Bones (Actor in a supporting role)
19. In The Loop (Adapted screenplay)
20. Coraline (Animated feature film)
21. Fantastic Mr Fox (Animated feature film, original score)
22. The Princess and the Frog (Animated feature film, original song - twice)
23. The Secret of Kells (Animated feature film)
24. Ajami (Foreign language film)
25. The Milk of Sorrow (Foreign language film)
26. Un Prophete (Foreign language film)
27. El Secreto De Sus Ojos (Foreign language film)
28. The White Ribbon (Foreign language film, cinematography)
29. Burma VJ (Documentary feature)
30. The Cove (Documentary feature)
31. Food, Inc (Documentary feature)
32. The Most Dangerous Man In America (Documentary feature)
33. Which Way Home (Documentary feature)
34. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (Art direction, costume design)
35. Sherlock Holmes (Art direction, original score)
36. Young Victoria (Art direction, costume design, makeup)
37. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Cinematography)
38. Bright Star (Costume design)
39. Coco Avant Chanel (Costume design)
40. Il Divo (Makeup)
41. Star Trek (Makeup, sound editing, sound mixing, visual effects)
42. Paris 36 (Original song)
43. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (Sound mixing)
44. "China's Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province" (Documentary short)
45. "The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner" (Documentary short)
46. "The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant" (Documentary short)
47. "Music By Prudence" (Documentary short)
48. "Rabbit A La Berlin" (Documentary short)
49. "French Roast" (Short film - animated)
50. "Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty" (Short film - animated)
51. "The Lady and the Reaper" (Short film - animated)
52. "Logorama" (Short film - animated)
53. "A Matter of Loaf and Death" (Short film - animated)
54. "The Door" (Short film - live action)
55. "Instead of Abracadabra" (Short film - live action)
56. "Kari" (Short film - live action)
57. "Miracle Fish" (Short film - live action)
58. "The New Tenants" (Short film - live action)

It's like a pre-fab "To-Watch" list. No thought necessary, just movies that possess some remarkable quality, even if it's just a performance worth seeing or sound editing that is really, well, out of this world. (Susannah might have just groaned, but I don't care.) So if you look at this list as a "To-Watch" list, then what could I cross off immediately?

Well...

1. Avatar
2. Precious
3. Up In The Air
4. A Single Man
5. Nine
6. Crazy Heart
7. The Lovely Bones
8. Coraline
9. Sherlock Holmes
10. Young Victoria
11. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (uh, duh)

That's, oh, eleven of the forty-three feature length movies nominated and zero of the fifteen short films. But that's eleven instances of instant gratification. In the meantime, then, I had thirty-two films to see before March 7th. (Lists have to have a deadline. "Before I die" for the bucket lists that people make. "To-Read" lists usually get deadlines of "Before my paper is due." etc. This list has Oscar Sunday as a natural endpoint. Success or failure will be determined by whether or not I make my movie-watching deadline.)

Let's see what else I have managed to cross off that list.

1. The Blind Side
2. The Hurt Locker
3. Inglorious Basterds
4. Julie and Julia
5. Fantastic Mr. Fox
6. Star Trek

That is six of thirty-two movies to watch by March 7th, which means I have twenty-six feature length films to watch in twenty-four days. Which, really, if you think about it, isn't that daunting. The only problems I foresee? Movies not yet on DVD, but out of theaters? Foreign films not yet released in America, or at least my part of America? Running out of money? All legitimate concerns, I suppose. But I'm not going to think about that right now, because I'm on a high. I'm still going to say that I can do this, and I'm going to believe myself.

Because it's worth it. I'll keep you updated. Also, I really hope they let Ryan Bingham get on stage and sing his song. And I hope he wears his cowboy hat. Because he was a really good concert and he may be shy in interviews, but the boy knows how to work a stage.

My own personal Oscar race

The race to see every film nominated, that is.

Best Picture

"Avatar"

"The Blind Side"

"District 9"

"An Education"

"The Hurt Locker"

"Inglourious Basterds"

"Precious"

"A Serious Man"

"Up in the Air"

"Up"

Best Director

Kathryn Bigelow, "The Hurt Locker"

James Cameron, "Avatar"

Lee Daniels, "Precious"

Jason Reitman, "Up in the Air"

Quentin Tarantino, "Inglourious Basterds"

Best Actress

Sandra Bullock, "The Blind Side"

Helen Mirren, "The Last Station"

Carey Mulligan, "An Education"

Gabourey Sidibe, "Precious"

Meryl Streep, "Julie & Julia"

Best Actor

Jeff Bridges, "Crazy Heart"

George Clooney, "Up in the Air"

Colin Firth, "A Single Man"

Morgan Freeman, "Invictus"

Jeremy Renner, "The Hurt Locker"

Best Supporting Actress

Penelope Cruz, "Nine"

Vera Farmiga, "Up in the Air"

Maggie Gyllenhaal, "Crazy Heart"

Anna Kendrick, "Up in the Air"

Mo'Nique, "Precious"

Best Supporting Actor

Matt Damon, "Invictus"

Woody Harrelson, "The Messenger"

Christopher Plummer, "The Last Station"

Stanley Tucci, "The Lovely Bones"

Christoph Waltz, "Inglourious Basterds"

Best Original Screenplay

Mark Boal, "The Hurt Locker"

Quentin Tarantino, "Inglourious Basterds"

Alessandro Camon and Oren Moverman, "The Messenger"

Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, "A Serious Man"

Pete Docter, Bob Peterson, "Up"

Best Adapted Screenplay

Neil Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell, "District 9"

Nick Hornby, "An Education"

Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, and Tony Roche, "In the Loop"

Geoffrey Fletcher, "Precious"

Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner, "Up in the Air"

Best Animated Feature

"Coraline"

"Fantastic Mr. Fox"

"The Princess and the Frog"

"The Secret of Kells"

"Up"

Best Foreign Language Film

"Ajami" (Israel)

"The Milk of Sorrow" (Peru)

"Un Prophete (A Prophet)" (France)

"El Secreto de Sus Ojos (The Secret in their Eyes)" (Argentina)

"The White Ribbon (Germany)

Best Feature Documentary

"Burma VJ"

"The Cove"

"Food, Inc."

"The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers"

"Which Way Home"

Best Art Direction

"Avatar"

"The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus"

"Nine"

"Sherlock Holmes"

"The Young Victoria"

Best Cinematography

"Avatar"

"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"

"The Hurt Locker"

"Inglourious Basterds"

"The White Ribbon"

Best Costume Design

"Bright Star"

"Coco Avant Chanel"

"The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus"

"Nine"

"The Young Victoria"

Best Editing

"Avatar"

"District 9"

"The Hurt Locker"

"Inglourious Basterds"

"Precious"

Best Make-Up

"Il Divo"

"Star Trek"

"The Young Victoria"

Best Visual Effects

"Avatar"

"District 9"

"Star Trek"

Best Original Score

"Avatar"

"Fantastic Mr. Fox"

"The Hurt Locker"

"Sherlock Holmes"

"Up"

Best Song

"Almost There" from "The Princess and the Frog"

"Down in New Orleans" from "The Princess and the Frog"

"Loin de Paname" from "Paris 36"

"Take It All" from "Nine"

"The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)" from "Crazy Heart"

Sound Mixing

"Avatar"

"Hurt Locker"

"Inglourious Basterds"

"Star Trek"

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"

Sound Editing

"Avatar"

"Hurt Locker"

"Inglourious Basterds"

"Star Trek"

"Up"

Documentary Short

"China's Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province"

"The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner"

"The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant"

"Music by Prudence"

"Rabbit a la Berlin"

Animated Short

"French Roast"

"Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty"

"The Lady and the Reaper (La Dama y la Muerte)"

"Logorama"

"A Matter of Loaf and Death"

Live Action Short

"The Door"

"Instead of Abracadabra"

"Kavi"

"Miracle Fish"

"The New Tenants"

...When it rocks

Dear Ryan Bingham:

Thank you for existing. Thank you for being involved in Crazy Heart. Because of the many, many excellent films I have lately seen (Avatar wrapping me up in a beauty so painful and desperate I didn't want to leave the theater, It's Complicated, Precious, Sherlock Holmes, Up In The Air, Young Victoria, A Single Man) this is my favorite. Where do I begin?

A classic (cliched?) tale of redemption and sobering up, yeah, sure, it's that. It's cigarettes and bourbon and voices that growl. Tipped cowboy hats, old Silveradoes, and wannabe desperadoes. But oh, the music!

(The shots of the scenery made me want to move to Texas, by the way.)

Gosh, I think I should talk about the music last. There are a few surprises, you see. And I think this is worth talking about:



Jeff Bridges and Maggie Gyllenhaal have the strangest and most intoxicating chemistry. How could she fall for him? And yet you believe she loves him -- maybe because she does? Because who among us would say we don't love our childhood idols? And here he is, in the flesh, an old-timer fallen from any kind of grace. And she has the chance to do something for this person she admires -- I suppose I can see why she might fall in love with him. They work so well together and their performances are simultaneously delicate and appropriately intense.

When she flips out while he's writing a song, it's hard to tell if it's because, as she initially says, "People would give ten years of their lives to write that; it just pours out of you," or if it's because she really is afraid that he will leave and forget her and she'll be stuck in Santa Fe remembering. Because remembering someone who doesn't remember you, that's the absolute worst sort of pain. And I bet she doesn't even know why she's angry.

Surprisingly good in this movie? Colin Farrell. I'd forgotten my Irish love was in it. And I'm not surprised he was good, because In Bruges and A Home At The End Of The World are two of my all-time favorite movies. It's surprising exactly HOW good the boy can be. Granted, he looks the part, exquisitely beautiful but also sort of run ragged? Yeah, that's Colin. And he's always managed to manipulate my emotions pretty well; he does an especially fine job in this movie of making Tommy Sweet not so detestable, maybe more sympathetic, even.

And, well, the singing? The soundtrack? Robert Duvall started reciting one of the saddest songs I've ever heard, by one of the saddest men I've ever heard of. He brings up Billy Joe Shaver and suddenly the movie has the sort of relevance and legitimacy that other movies only dream of. "Live Forever" is such an epically sad song, especially when you consider that he, Billy Joe, wrote it with his son Eddie, who would die of a drug overdose. (On that issue, Todd Snider would write, "I can't say I felt so sad; the truth is I think I'm mad at the selfish way you left your dad when you know what a hard-luck time he's had." He can say that; he was friends with him.)

And then the lyrics, "You fathers and you mothers, be good to one another. Please try to treat your children right. Don't let the darkness take 'em; don't let 'em feel forsaken; just lead 'em safely to the light." Or maybe it's, "Nobody here will ever find me, but I will always be around. Just like the songs I leave behind me, I'm gonna live forever now."

It's just so sad, you know? (Send me your email and I can end you a father's day version of this song, performed with Robert Earl Keen and Todd Snider.)

But here's the biggest surprise of the film: Jeff and Colin can both sing. I know mixing boards can do amazing things, but they both do really wonderful jobs of singing the songs they are commissioned with. The whole soundtrack is rugged and good-looking and real country. Not "New Country" or "Nashville" country, which is something they acknowledged in the film. Someone asks Bad Blake what he thinks of Tommy Sweet and his reply is, "He's gotta compete with the stuff coming out of Nashville." (Granted East Nashville is a different world, but still.)

The music is just.. Townes Van Zandt and Ryan Bingham and Waylon Jennings and George Jones and Lightnin' Hopkins and it makes me want to move to Texas and I kept thinking, "There's just something about country music Texas-style." I feel like I'd do really well in Texas. I don't even know how to say how much I love country music and how good the music in this movie was. So fucking good, maybe?

But as Todd and this movie point out... I like country... When it rocks. I like country when it's real. (When it's sung for the school of hardest knocks, not for mass appeal.) And that's what this movie is -- a country song on film. It's old-school, hard-core country. Dusty, beat-up, and bad. And Ryan Bingham, you did such a job in this film. It feels like that moment in the movie, when he plays a new song and asks Jean if she's heard it before. She says she can't remember who did it, but she knows she's heard it. Bad is clearly pleased and says, and this sums up the film perfectly:

"That's the way it is with a good song: you're always sure you've heard them somewhere before."

Fugitive Pieces

"How many centuries before the spirit forgets the body? How long will we feel our phantom skin buckling over rockface, our pulse in magnetic lines of force? How many years pass before the difference between murder and death erodes?
Grief requires time. If a chip of stone radiates its self, its breath, so long, how stubborn might be the soul.”