I know my life would look all right, if I could see it on the silver screen

They are remaking East of Eden for a new generation of teenyboppers (am I the only one who still calls them teenyboppers and not the insidious and infuriating "tween"?)

Let's be clear about this. They are remaking an epic, multi-generational story of sibling rivalry and whorehouses that originally starred one of the most tragic and beloved movie stars of all time? (That's James Dean, for my peers who are woefully ignorant of film history -- even those film students whose exposure to him consist of seeing the "Chicky run" clip during a film class freshman year of college.)

A movie that was made into a mini-series starring Jane Seymour and the Bottoms in 1981 -- a mini-series that just doesn't hold up?

This story has more plot than Pride and Prejudice [the BBC version] and Titanic combined. And they've decided to remake it. To reboot it for a generation with the attention span of a gnat. It's a bold and brazen undertaking and I don't envy the producers or the screenwriters on this project.

One thing is certain: Casting is crucial. Casting will make or break this movie and determine whether or not one of the most iconic performances of all time remains shining and glorious in the Pantheon or if it is sullied by any foolish association to this new endeavor.

So I'm putting forth my suggestions for the casting directors.


Cal- Robert "The Scowl" Pattinson -- after all, the entire first half of Cal's story is basically, "ScowlscowlBEANSscowlscowl"

Aaron- Robert Pattinson (Hey, they're TWINS, right?), alternately, Michael Cera if producers are afraid that two Pattzies on screen at once might give teenage girls heart attacks

Adam- Tom Cruise.. he knows all about religious fervor.. alternately, John Travolta... I've always wondered what Adam say if he said it in song...

Charles- James Franco, natch... we really haven't seen him in any serious or intense roles and I think he's up for it. I'd like to see him push himself, emotionally. Plus, he thinks he's James Dean... Or Zac Efron. Whichever is good.

Lee- Is Mickey Rooney dead yet? Mickey Rooney it is!

Abra - Rewritten as twins, Abra and Kadabra, played by the Olsens, alternately, Lindsay Lohan as both Abra and Kadabra, if the Olsens' classes at NYU keep them too busy

Cathy- Megan Fox, OF COURSE... there's really no other option for the sociopathic, borderline personality disordered Cathy Ames...

Faye - (the madam that Cathy destroys) Heidi Fleiss -- it's time she was forgiven, I think

Sam Hamilton- Robin Williams, with a brogue

As for who should write the screenplay, I think the answer here is obvious: Jun-- I mean, Diablo Cody.

If this were fifteen years ago I would be angling for a screenplay by the Boston dreamteam (Ben and Matt) and arguing that they should play the twins, as well... but it's not. It's 2009.


Did you not believe me when I said James Franco thinks he's James Dean? Dammit, here's your proof:

Acting with James Franco Episode 3: Scene Work from James Franco

All that savory goodness just a little too much? Need some medicine with that sugar? I offer you this study in contrasts.